Failure

I started this blog out of boredom.  No kidding.  I'm paid to sit in front of a computer a minimum of 8 hours a day.  Many of those days I'm busy.  Many I am not.  Just two years ago I would have been hesitant to put those last two statements out here in cyberspace.  I have always been an eager employee willing to do whatever task needed to be done.  I did not work in an office for any extended period of time until I was nearly 40 years old.  I had always had jobs where I could work independently and excel through hard work.  I naively assumed that would be the case when I changed careers and moved into the white male dominated field of civil engineering.

My goal when I entered the new field didn't change from any goal I had at a job previously.  I endeavored to learn the new job to the best of my ability, work steady and meet internal project goals.  As a teacher this taught me discipline and flexibility. A stern task master keeps her students moving forward learning along the way.  A flexible teacher accomodates each student's personalities and moods to keep them on the learning path.

While in my last semester of engineering school I quit my teaching job at the local community college and took a job in the field of engineering.  It seemed a perfect fit for me as the owner was the nephew of John Jacob Niles.  I love folk music and working for the family of a famous folk music collector and composer of the Christmas song "I Wonder as I Wander" seemed fortuitous.  I leaped into my job and learned as much as I could cram into the six months I had there.  I loved the job, but the pay was low with no benefits so I moved on.  My hard work paid off and I quickly found another job where I applied myself in the same fashion. 

I quickly found lots of interesting projects working both for our local office and another in West Virginia.  My computer skills increased.  My natural ability to assemble information in an organized manner and meet deadlines found favor with upper level managment.  Then I met my nemesis, Mr. Petty, otherwise known as the Project Manager.  As punishment for my success I could no longer work for anyone but him.  The next two years were an excercise in futility and frustration.  I could only do work he assigned.  If I were to work ahead  I incurred his wrath which usually resulted in a total revision and ridicule of my "inexperience".  I soldiered on with my shield thrust forward.  My goal to win this war dangled like a precious prize before me.  I would not accept defeat.

One Monday morning I sat horrified as Mr. Petty informed our superior that the project failed to meet the deadline.  Why?  Mr. Petty's right hand man, Mr. Passive Aggressive explained.  All eyes turned to me.  My work required so many revisions the deadline had passed.  Three months of revisions on a task that usually required days.

I'm no idiot.  I can see clearly when an obstacle is in my path.  I quickly found another job.  This time, I told myself I would carefully research and select a new firm.  I quickly found a small outfit specializing the type of work I knew.  The president hired me on the spot due to my answer to the following question:

"Why do you want to work here?"

"To make money for the company." 

As crazy it may sound this was spontaneous and true.  I knew my place as an employee unlike Mr. Petty who had wasted valuable resources and money.

I shall spare you the gory details but incredibly Mr. Petty and his sidekick, Mr. Passive Aggressive had followed me to the new place of employment!  I had the usual six months of success.  Nearly thirteen years have passed and with some shame this weary worker admits that she gave up.  I lost the battle and I lost the war.  I failed.

The trick now is to turn this failure into a learning experience.  Most of my silence as a blogger relates to this predicament.  I did not want to be negative in my blog.  No matter if no one reads it.  In the event ONE LONE READER strays across this post and generously gives me the time to read this far, I did not want to chance filling them with the negativity that surrounds me most of the day.  There.  I've broken the silence. 

My life as a writer started as a child.  It continues.  Now I must set another goal.  I shall remain true to one of my earliest lessons from my mother.  When I fail I must learn  and try again.  Knowing this gives me the strength to soldier on, yet again, when the enemy outnumbers me.